I am so tired

I can't even think straight. I guess that this is punishment to having a wonderful relaxing 4 day weekend! Our Labor Day weekend was great, except for the OU loosing part - that kinda sucked! I posted pictures on Flickr and Facebook for those interested.

I should have known Monday night when the phone rang at 10:00 that relaxing times were behind us. It was my Dad to inform me that Cat was running a temp. of 103! Yikes and Swine Flu were my first thoughts! I was right, her doctor confirmed it on Tuesday. For some reason the Swine Flu (H1N1) really scares me. I guess the biggest reason is Miri, she is at a vulnerable age (being under 65!) and has asthma, I actually fall into this same group, but I am way more scared for her than for me. But Cat's bought with it wasn't terrible. Her doc. did give her Tama Flu (anti viral medication) and she was bouncing off the walls by Wednesday night. I however worried and obsessed over Miriam, and I can tell it affected my sleep. By Tuesday when it was appearnt that Cat was recovering I was working on a better attitude about the whole thing.

In fact Wednesday morning I was kicking butt at work and getting tons done (as opposed to googling H1N1 vaccine info. trying to figure out how to get M vaccinated last week!) when the phone rang and my week tunnelled into complete non-productivity!

It was my Dad again. My Granny (maternal) had taken a turn for the worse and the nurse was afraid she wouldn't make it another hour. So my brother and I rushed over to the nursing home to be with her and my Mom. She was bad. I have read in books before about the "death rattle" and she had that it sounded so awful also whenever someone would bend to speak with her she would let out a moan, I couldn't tell from pain or acknowledgment. When my Papa died in Oct. 2006, it was much quieter - almost coma like. His death also took a lot longer. He died nearly a week after we were summoned to his bedside to say our last goodbyes. My Granny did not last that long, and I am glad. She died about 7 that evening. I hate to say it but it has been a relief. She had a stroke in the spring of 2008 and broke her hip in the fall, ever since then she has needed full time care and her mind was not all there. When we would visit we never knew what reality she was living in.

I feel very sad for my Mom. She is an only child and has no parents left on earth. I am not sure why thinking of this bothers me so much. My Dad is an only child too and his last living parent died when I was 12. Maybe because I am a parent now and my perspective on life has changed a little bit. I am not sure I am ready for life with my parents being the "elders" in the family. I liked the idea that there was a generation ahead of them in this world and that is no longer reality.

Tonight is the first evening I have been home before 10:30 since Tuesday and yet sleep alludes me. Why? I am not able to focus on much. I thought I was ready for her to die. I guess I was ready in the sense that I wanted her suffering to end. I was sick of watching my Mom worry constantly about her and in truth I was concerned that she would out live her reserves and my parents would have to start paying for her care out of their retired pockets. Now I feel guilt. Guilt I have thought all of that, guilt I wasn't a better granddaughter, I never seemed to find the time to go visit, unless my Mom was dragging me over there, guilt that I wanted her to find some peace and leave earth, guilt that the dying process completely grosses my out, I started gagging when I bent down to tell her bye because of the odor coming from her moan, and guilt that my Mom is now parent-less. Oh and guilt that I am completely frustrated with my Mom and her lack of organization. Yesterday I was over there looking for a letter my Granny had written about funeral instructions, I remember reading it when my Papa died, and telling my Mom to put it up where she would remember it when Granny's time came, we still haven't found it. This morning I helped my Mom pick out her clothes. We have known for awhile that my Granny was not going to need "real" clothes until it was time for her funeral. I would have thought Mom would have picked them out, had them ready for a steam press and all. Of course not. She ran them to the cleaners, played the "dead mom card" to get them steamed and over to the funeral home within an hour.

I don't think I am making much sense, I think I need to go to bed.